Kelty missed the bus today. That in and of itself normally carries a fine of $1 for my time and gas money. He knew it and wasn’t ready to argue. It is just the way of the world in our home. Yet on the way to school, I asked him if there was one particular thing that made him late today. Typically, this is where he’d say, “Yes, I wasn’t listening when you gave us the five minute bus warning,” or “My book was so good I just couldn’t put it down.” Then, typically, I let it go at that and hope that he is thinking about how things could be different next time. Of course, I’m not sure that is what the offending child is doing, but since they very seldom miss the bus, there must be some connection going on…
Today, however, his response was different. He said, “It took me longer than I thought it would to pick up the game I was playing.” Now that surprised me! Not only was he picking up a game that normally takes several sessions to play, but he did it without question. In this case, I actually would have let him keep it out. So I said, “Kelty, because you were being so responsible and picking up after yourself, I think that this time you can have a free ride to school.”
As a parent I’ve learned that just as important as setting and enforcing limits, is having grace when an unusual circumstance arises. I know my son well enough to know that he’s not likely to test this to see if it works twice. He’s been raised with Love and Logic and is more likely to just accept that things haven’t changed for the long term.
Over the past few months the word Grace has taken on new meaning for me. Originally its importance was made clear to me during a conference I was attending where things ran less than smoothly. The conference coordinator asked that we might have grace when interacting with the staff. Things were happening that were beyond any one person’s control and patience was needed by all attendees.
Throughout that weekend, as more little hiccups would occur, I thought about the word more and more. Grace. The ability to see that sometimes people just have bad days. The need to have patience. The importance of looking at issues from all angles, not just the one that impacts me the most.
When I went home, I joked that I would have the words “grace, grace, grace” stenciled on my dining room wall so that I would remember them whenever dealing with difficult people. I never did have them put up on the wall, but I’ve never forgotten the intent.
This week I’ve been reading Grace-Based Parenting, by Dr. Tim Kimmel. In his book he discusses how grace relates to parenting, not as a way to be permissive and lax, but a way to be forgiving and understanding of our kids. It is a terrific book, one of the best I’ve read in quite some time. It caused me to look at my kids’ lives and to see what they are going through through their own eyes, and to look at their personalities and see that they are each designed differently for a reason.
Grace. It is funny to me how our society has changed the word graceful to mean something so much different than what it actually is. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not light on my feet, in fact I am clumsy and very uncoordinated. But it is my new goal in life to be a different type of graceful. Instead, I want to be full of grace.