Tracie Shroyer

Recently, I went to our mailbox and found a brand new parenting magazine. I was surprised, since I hadn’t subscribed to one of these types of magazines since my kids were toddlers. This one was intriguing to me. It had a nice glossy cover with a picture of a mom AND a child, not just a child and its tag line read, “All the Best for Your Family,”

I started thumbing through it and realized parenting magazines had come a long way since my kids were little. Instead of articles about picnics and afternoon play dates with our kids, this one had articles about taking your kids on a getaway to Paris, and featured clothes for kids that were more than I’d spend on an entire outfit for myself.

I sighed, realized how out of the times I was and was preparing to put the magazine down when a different article caught my eye, “One Meal Almost Fits All, Five Ways to Preserve the Fantasy of Cooking One Dish for the Whole Family.” The second sentence of the article reads “…Let’s say you actually find a night when everyone can sit down together-a feat to be proud of in and of itself. ” Okay, stop right there! This is a mag clearly targeting parents of the preschool set. The clothes and toys featured are definitely not for those older than kindergarten. Excuse me, but if you have children that young, exactly why are you having trouble finding time to sit down together for a family meal?

I am picturing a fancy chalkboard calendar in the glossy, pretend magazine family’s kitchen where little squares are filled with things like, “Little Lulu’s ballet class,” “Toddler Tom’s French Lessons,” and “Mom’s Yoga Night.” Do people really live like that? And sadly, I realize that even though here, in Minnesota, the nights are more likely to read, “Mom and Me Gym Night,” or “Story time at the Library,” parents are still guilty of over scheduling their kids.

The craziest part of this whole scenario is that hardly anyone seems happy about this. Parents complain that their lives are too busy, too stressful. Kids are cranky, tired, and have lower self esteem than any other time in our country’s history. Why are we doing this? Do any of us really believe that there is tremendous benefit in getting our two-year-olds into gymnastics and Spanish classes and piano? How about letting them sit down on the floor and play–by themselves. Let their creativity develop naturally rather than in an art class across town. Pull out the pots and pans or the plastic storage containers and let them go to town. Sit down and relax for a few minutes and then get up and put together some type of family dinner. Mac and Cheese, take out, a five-course meal… its not important what you eat, it is important that you are eating together. THAT’S what is best for your family!

Stay tuned for part two of this series when I get to the SECOND sentence of the same article!

I am reading a really interesting book right now, Raising Kids Who Turn Out Right by Dr. Tim Kimmel.  I love Dr. Kimmel’s teachings, many of his books are among my favorites for parenting.

One of the reasons I enjoy his books so much is that while he acknowledges that parenting is difficult, he stresses how important it is to not give up.  One chapter of this book is entitled, Courage.  In this chapter Kimmel discusses the many different types of courage there are in life.  Commonly, we think of courage on the battlefield or courage in which heroes are made.  In this chapter, however, Kimmel points out that there is also great courage in allowing our kids to struggle at times and to come to their own resolutions in life.   He says,

“When you stop to consider it, courage is a greater challenge in the little things than in the big.  Although it takes unusual courage to die for something, it takes even greater courage to live for something.  Dying for a right cause takes one right choice; living for a cause requires hundreds of choices each day, day after day.”

Commonly, when I hear that someone is living for their kids, it is in the context of a parent who has decided that the success and happiness of their children trumps all else in life.   Interestingly enough, Dr. Kimmel’s definition of living for your kids is quite different.

“I don’t think we lack parents with the courage to die for their children.  Most would lay down their life without hesitation.  What is painfully missing is parents with the courage to live for their children-to lay their self-interests, their reputations, and their discretionary time on the line each day.  That takes uncommon courage.” 

I think of my daughter going off to school today with a project that she should have finished weeks ago.  It was a struggle for me to let her take it to school the way she did, as it wasn’t as complete as I would have liked it to be.  I had to really work to stop worrying what her teacher would think of me as a parent if the project wasn’t completed to the best of her ability.  This is my daughter’s project, not mine, but it is hard not to believe that her efforts reflect on my parenting skills.

Today it is really common for us as parents to get caught up in our kids lives to the point that we believe that their success is our success.  Yes, we want them to do well, and yes, we need to guide them and offer assistance when necessary.  Equally important, however, is our ability to let them do things on their own.  Only then will they be able to recognize the sense of accomplishment and reward that comes from true hard work and struggle.  Only then are we living for our kids.